Death

such a loaded word, with varying degrees of weight for so many.

this will not be an upbeat post. it will likely not end on a positive note. i'm hoping to find some relief in putting pen to paper, so to speak.

to my immediate family: do not read this. it will likely make your day horrible and your night much worse. i do not want that for you.

my weekend started off rocky for no particular reason. it's a combination of hormones, a growing inability to sleep from heartburn and general discomfort, exhaustion from what seems like a thousand sources, and various other normally benign irritants.

e was a gem for the majority of the weekend. we bought a pool to help jp's leg finish healing (his cast came off on thursday, which i meant to post about on friday, but the day was just busy and then the weekend slump hit) and to alleviate some of my discomfort from the pregnancy. cheaper than driving into town and paying for a pool pass!

after the third trip out that day, to buy a pump to blow up the outer rim of the pool, e came back and discovered that the pump he bought was actually meant for a cigarette lighter, not an electrical outlet. foolishly, and not without realizing what the consequences may be, we pulled our car around back and settled for using the pump intermittently to begin the process.

and yes, it killed the car battery, just as we suspected it would. and thus began the insane downhill descent of my day on sunday.

i was tired and irritable and we were waiting for the neighbors to come home to get a jump. we puttered around the house, i was scornful, and i tried very hard to pull myself out of the funk that i realized i was unnecessarily falling into.

in the early afternoon one of e's friends here called to see if we'd like some company that night from him and his wife. they could also jump our car when they came. perfect! we get to cleaning and i manage to remember that we have enough ingredients to make a pretty good homemade pizza (Since we can't run to the store to get burgers or anything because the car is dead) and a side salad.

i realize the hamster cage smells awful. i've fallen behind on cleaning it.

long story short, another short-sighted action on my part ended with e and i desperately trying to save two hamsters who were dying too slowly from heat stroke. one went within 10 minutes. it took the other nearly an hour. i held the second one as she went. i cried off and on all evening. those hamsters were my valentine's day gift from my husband this year, a sort of promise ring of pets, if you will. they were meant to satisfy my need for something furry until we could get a dog. and i killed them. make no mistake, i was in fact directly responsible. by no means was it deliberate, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

the only saving grace in all of this was actually yet another failure (though this one unknown) on my part. our guest's wife is highly allergic to olive oil. when they found out we were making homemade pizza, which contains olive oil, dinner was cancelled.

i didn't have to put on a brave face.

death is not easy for anyone to handle. i know a good number of people who would cry watching someone else's hamster die, or who would cry even if the small creatures weren't a precious gift from a thoughtful spouse.

but the hamsters are not the first thing i've watched die before my eyes. the first thing i watched die before my eyes was my brother. this is not an exaggeration or a twisting of truths. i don't mean that i sat in a hospital room and watched an ill boy end a long fight with a terminal illness, or that i arrived on scene to find him being carried away by a stretcher (though that did happen) and learned of his death from a cold room and a strange nurse.

to my parents and sister, if you are still reading for any reason, please stop now.

no, i was in the room with him and my parents, hooked up to wires and tubes, watching his heart beat in perfect sync with the hands pumping it through his chest, blood streaming out of his ears and nose. unresponsive. from an accident at a water park caused by a slew of arrogant, selfish people and a chain of events spanning over 20 years of irresponsibility and thousands of years of acceptance of bullying. an accident caused by the ignorance of youth that makes teenagers believe they are invincible.

so when i watch these two precious gifts from my wonderful husband shake and quiver into death, my mind is not in the kitchen where the first one passed away or on my bed where the second went to sleep on my chest. my mind is in a hospital room watching them remove tubes from my brother, hearing them call time of death.

and i am now useless. i can't sleep but i have no desire to be awake. i try to force myself into some mundane tasks to no avail.

i am going to be incapacitated for a few days, at least. and i accept that. it's healthy to allow yourself a mental breakdown every now and then.

the reason for this blog is that i really have nowhere to turn. i'm certainly not going to call my parents and stir the horrible memories for them over a set of hamsters. e is now back at work full time and by the time he gets home i know i will be too tired to relay any of this on to him. i'm not comfortable putting this story or these emotions out on a specific person. i'm too much in a funk to call people, and honestly, to answer my phone if someone calls me. i know i'll pull out of this in a few days. a year and a half of therapy gives you wonderful tools.

so i'll spill it out here. it's a non-confrontational way to express some pain without forcing anybody to feel it alongside me. you can choose to read or not. i sincerely hope you chose not. but if you made it to this line, it means you chose to read. and it means you know me just a little bit better, how i tick, one of my weaknesses.

and if you've made it this far, i just want to say to you that i hope with all of my heart that you don't have a memory worse than watching your pets die at your own hand, even if they're tiny, frail hamsters who i have been reassured die if you look at them funny (though i know better than to believe that's entirely true). i hope that if you have to watch something like what happened to me on sunday, that it has no other horrible memory to trigger.

and if you have lived a nightmare, i wish for you that you never have to see something that triggers it as deeply and painfully as wembley and fizzgig did for me. i hope you are given exponentially larger amounts of joy than the sorrow you have already been given.