Who I Am

i haven't always been the self-assured person that i appear to be now. i faced those hard years creating my own self-identity throughout my teens and into my early 20s with very little grace or direction. i'm still trying to figure myself out, as most people are.

this week we had quite a scare. i won't go into details, but something happened to my body that required an overnight hospital stay along with a battery of neurological tests. thankfully, the scariest possibilities (stroke, tumor, or epilepsy) were ruled out and the baby in my belly was entirely unaffected. we even got a wicked 3d ultrasound picture of him:

pretty cute lil dude, don't you think?

anyhow, as i waited 24 hours for results, i had plenty of time for fears and concerns to mount. and mount they did.

the fear of not knowing what happened, and conversely, the fear that came with knowing what little i did, the fear of it happening again, being alone in the hospital (e was at home with jp, where he needed to be), fear that the baby was affected, fear that it could have been my fault, that i had frightened my child, that i didn't know how long i'd be in the hospital or if i could stay pregnant. i'm sure you can think of a few more on your own.

but oddly, the scariest thought in my mind was what would happen if a test came back showing a history of seizures, proving that i had epilepsy. it certainly didn't seem likely that i would have missed such an important recurring event in my life, but stranger things have happened, right?

i thought about how much that could change my life, my daily routine, the implications for my two boys and any children we might want in the future. how it could affect e, his job, his ability to deploy, the place that we live.

but the most consuming fear was medication. i don't like medication at all and tend to avoid it in favor of pain and discomfort. i think it's wise to embrace your symptoms and listen to your body, and life experience tells me that most medications treat conditions that are temporary anyway. obviously there are conditions which necessitate medicine--sometimes many medications-- and i don't judge anybody for using medication. for me it's simply a personal preference. i have no chronic health conditions and thus no need for chronic treatment.

seizure medication is designed to treat your brain, to treat it. to alter it. for the better, of course, but alteration is alteration regardless of the emotional repercussions.

what would happen to my personality? would the change be significant? would e feel like he was married to the same person? would i?

i'm only 25 and i feel like i've already fought so many battles to settle into my skin. i'm not prepared to lose ground, to accept a change that i have no control over in order to function. it's one thing to choose a drastic life change, but to have it thrust upon you in pill form...

i take a lot of comfort in the realization that changing my personality frightens me. that means i must like myself. or at least be satisfied with who i am right now.

and thankfully, i don't have to face that possibility right now. hopefully not ever.