And We're Back

i will not make excuses. we have had a rough 2 months and blogging was so low down on my list of priorities that i can't honestly even say that i feel bad about my absence. so i won't apologize either! :)

but we are 2 weeks out from e's first year-long deployment as an EOD tech and i think that this blog will end up being the place i can go to help find my sanity since my husband won't be able to fulfill that role as consistently as he usually does.

time has taken on a constant bi-polar quality. i find myself angrily marking the hours during the work day that e spends away from us, cursing the inventory, physicals, gear collecting and other tasks that keep him on post until dinner time or later. once he's home i begin the sleep battle-- how late can i stay awake with him before i forfeit tomorrow's functionality? and all of the hours between angry and desperate i'm trying to find joy in every moment that we spend in the same room, soaking in the feeling of his presence, the warmth of another adult in the house with me, relaxed and hanging out on the couch watching some stupid show that we love.

will this be the last bath he gives jp until he comes home for r&r next year? will this be the last time i make him tuna melts, one of his favorites? how can i make this time special, make it count? how much is too much to ask of him? how few disagreements and frustrated outbursts can we manage before he leaves? two tuesdays left together. two mondays. after today there will only be two wednesdays. possibly 3 days of football. six speech therapy sessions. 17 dinners. probably somewhere close to 30 loads of laundry ;) it's exhausting. but i'll have a year to catch up on sleep after the boys go to bed. if, God forbid, anything were ever to happen to him, i will never regret staying up later, working harder to create less friction, making more memories.

i'm overwhelmed with emotions and fears right now. however, there isn't much i can do but walk forward into the storm and press on. it's not mere strength that keeps military wives afloat, it's the acute knowledge of necessity.

so here we go, into the unknown, because it's necessary. because it's asked of us and refusal in this case would mean giving up on a husband, a father, a soldier, a marriage, a family and a way of life. we weren't ignorant of this part of the lifestyle when we chose it.

time to put our money where our mouths are.