The 7 Year Itch

today is our 7 year anniversary.

by all accounts, this anniversary should not be happening. for many reasons, and i will not go into all of them. mostly because airing your own dirty laundry is smelly and a ridiculous idea when you have a fancy, fully functional washing machine inside.

this will not be a laundry analogy.

last year, on our 6th anniversary, we had drawn up a separation agreement, were living in separate rooms, my rings were at a consignment store 70 miles away and we had been to the divorce class through the army's legal department, and were looking for a place for E to live nearby.

neither of us was being self righteous, we weren't being disagreeable, we weren't fighting. since we couldn't make choices for each other, we agreed mutually to try to make each of our own choices based on what we believed was best for our children, and thankfully we were both always on the same page in that regard.

from the moment we got married, we had always agreed that as long as we were both willing to work for it, the marriage would stand, even when everything tried to pull us down. overall intent would mean more than individual transgressions.

E had decided he no longer wanted to work. his intentions, his long term plans, had not had me in them for some time and he had been trying to get us both to a place where that transition would be "easier", whatever exactly that means.

what eventually happened, about 3 months into this mess, could be summed up as a divine intervention. the more complex list would be

1. E got a medication change for his anxiety medicine and started seeing a real therapist.
2. somewhere he realized that he probably wasn't going to get a life or wife much better than the one he currently had
3. i realized that my marriage vows didn't include a caveat of "unless we divorce" or "i promise, but if he breaks his vows, my promises become null and void".

i kept trying to live out my vows to do what was best for him, to support him, because no matter what, at the end of my life here on this planet, nobody will answer for my actions except me. i will certainly not be allowed to say "i sat by while the father of my children fell apart and did nothing to stop it, but he broke his promises first, so i am justified." he was genuinely still trying to be a great father.

about 6 months in we started thinking we might talk to a counselor and see if we wanted to work through this or not.

around 8 months in, we started seeing the counselor.

9 months in i moved back into the master bedroom with him, and it was a hard transition. it felt like being taken from my space and moved into his, even though i had lived there before.

all this time, i never got my rings back. the thought of them was very painful. they were a physical representation of what i felt was more lie than truth. they were never the rings i would have picked for myself, but they were what HE picked for me. i didn't want the future he had picked for us the last few years, and i did not want a reminder of that on my finger. i hadn't received a check from the consignment store.

about 10 months in, E put his wedding ring back on without warning. i was upset. i can't explain why, it was certainly irrational. i didn't want him to take it off necessarily, but when i saw it, i felt obligated to wear my own ring, which i still couldn't stomach.

i wanted a new ring. a new beginning.

i talked to some girlfriends (wonderful ones, i will add) about it and came to the realization that i was being unfair. i chose to be with him. i chose to stay. that means i chose the whole 6 years, and all of this is part of our story, part of the ring. i cannot choose which parts i want to keep and which i don't. that wasn't the deal we made with each other or the Lord.

i tossed around the idea that 60 years from now, i would probably want the ring. when all of this was a mere blip in the story of our lives, i would want to remember.

it took me another 2 months or better to convince myself to make the drive up. i wrestled with the decision so much.

 a week before today, our 7th anniversary, while in new orleans with another dear friend and as homesick as i've ever been in my life, i knew it was time to shit or get off the pot. i resolved that i would have the ring on my finger by our anniversary.

this morning i lied to him about my day's events and i drove up. i was anxious. the plan was to get them back and wear them out to dinner. surprise him.

the whole drive up i thought about this blog post. about what i would say on what feels like a very pivotal anniversary. and what it came down to, on that drive, was that i had to remember intent.

the intent of the ring was never bad. his intentions were never malicious. he intends now to make this marriage work. i intend to do the same.

intentions matter.

i walked into the store and explained why i was there. they took my name, pulled the inventory list, and went back to find the rings in stock.

out came the woman who co-owns the store with her husband.

"leanne?"
"yeah!"
"well, the items you asked about are on layaway and will be paid off by december"

did you just gasp?

i gasped.

"both? the band and the ring?"
"yes, they were purchased together. was that a good gasp?"
"no…. no, i came to get them back because i'm not getting divorced. it's my anniversary today. it was supposed to be a surprise"

i went through about 6 emotions in a split second, but the end reaction was laughter.

OF COURSE this would happen. OF COURSE. i no longer have a wedding band or engagement ring.

but what dawned on me next was sort of splendid.

"paid off by december."

someone was proposing at christmas. someone spent months paying for this now very important, beautiful, wonderful part of their story.

in all of my shock, she said they could give me store credit now for the rings and add 10% and maybe i could look for a new one.

i finally called E.

his response? "yeah, you should. it can be my anniversary gift to you! if there's any leftover, can you get me a watch?"

seriously.

this has now turned into one of the strangest days of my life.

the woman whisked me around the counters and i picked out real jewelry for the first time in my life. i want to go into detail about this whole experience, but this blog post has already gotten way too long.

in the end, she found a ring that finally made me weep.

underwhelming, until you look closely. 

pretty good representation of the person who wears it now.

i drove to the shop today prepared to bring back a set that i have heavy feelings toward, because i was fully prepared to accept the intentions behind the ring over the ring itself. 

now i think that was all i was supposed to do. it was never about me wearing my engagement ring and wedding band again. it was about being willing to, even when the circumstances weren't ideal.

it was about my intentions. 

our marriage is about willingness, even when the circumstances aren't ideal. it's about intention.

here's to 7 years down and more to come, love.