Mommy long legs??

i realize that for many women this would be nothing to complain about. but those women have obviously never been mistaken for a flamingo while wading in the ocean.

ok, that might not have happened. BUT IT COULD! however, that would mostly be due to the horrific color of reddish-pink that i turn after too many hours in the sun with too little sunscreen.

my parents are polar opposites in a great many ways. my mom is 5'2.5", animated, decorative, and has a tendency to be a little dramatic. you may thank her for my personality. my dad is 6'3" if he stands up straight, quiet, republican, a master handy man, and lives in the garage. you may thank him for my height.

my mother prides herself on her "amazing calves". my father has flamingo legs.

let's interject here. i think the term "chicken legs" is ridiculous. have you ever seen a chicken's legs!?! they can't compose more than 1/30th of a chicken's height. flamingo or emu legs is much more accurate--how often do you use the term "chicken legs" with someone whose legs comprise .03% of their body? NEVER.

ok, back to the topic at hand. or at leg. i'm not sure where we are any more...

LEGS

seeing pictures like these makes me cringe. first of all, could i be more awkward and lame? no, i don't think i could. second, why am i so white? cripes leanne, go get a freakin spray tan. third, why are my legs longer than the nile and thinner than my split ends?

if i'm going to be forced to live with legs like ghandi's, i think i should be canonized right now. logically, ghandi had stick legs, i have stick legs, he was a saint, i want to be a saint to. but i don't want to do any of the nice stuff.

i have often wished in silence that somehow my legs would get blown off and i could get prosthesis that were 3 inches shorter than my current legs are. the major problem with this is finding a way to legitimately blow off both legs at in or around the same spot without drawing suspicion. or bleeding out. that's a concern too.

you know, come to think of it, losing limbs sort of gives you a pass on the whole "suspicion of criminal activity" thing. thanks for that life lesson, harrison ford.

so, what i need now is a way to get rid of my legs. do you think there's a leg bank out there where i can donate my excess to someone in need?

just be sure to tell them that the legs are lacking. not in inches. in genetic make-up. anybody who gets my leftovers is risking developing an awkward personality, irreversibly pale melanin, and an obnoxious level of narcissism.

wait.

if i get my legs blown off, i will no longer be able to see over crowds or threaten my mother with "if you don't stop, i am going to step on you". i will also lose my ability to leap across a room in 3 steps and stop my son from slicing his fingers off on a box fan.

i think i'll hang on to my mommy long legs and focus on that personality transplant i'm going to need before i start modeling for ann taylor.