I Get My Amish From Amish'R'Us

our childhoods (my sister and mine) are filled with memories we have repressed and memories that we couldn't get rid of if we had lobotomies. our parents are what you might call eccentric. or drinkers. either word is appropriate.

i also believe that we have memories so hilarious and off the wall that they are worth writing books about. history books. to be used in classrooms. psychology classrooms.

one year, while driving through amish country in indiana at an ungodly hour of the morning, we saw a few amish families at the rest stop. they were in the bathroom. no big deal, amish people on the road gotta pee too, and i can't imagine quilters and bread makers want "indecent exposure" on their permanent record.

but then they went outside.

and loaded into a conversion van.

now, it's about 6 am. we have been on the road for a solid 2.5 hours. there are 3 children under the age of 13 and one mom.

"mom, why are those amish people driving in a van!? i thought that wasn't allowed??" "where do you think they got the van? how did they make contact with real people? what did they pay with?" "mom, do you think they run the a/c??" "MOM!!! DO YOU THINK THERE ARE ACTUAL HORSES IN THEIR FRONT OF THE VAN INSTEAD OF AN ENGINE!?!!" "WHY ARE THEY IN A VAN?!!?!!?!?!!"

my mother's exhausted response lives in infamy in our family.

"i don't know, they're a different brand of amish!"

a. different. brand.

like from amish mart? or carson pierre amish? tj-mish?

maybe it's not as funny if you aren't in a complete state of delirium. or pre-pubescent.

but the first time i made this bread all i could think about was amish'r'us.

until i tasted it. then all i could think was lkdjfuerb;asdjfnsdmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

it's pretty delicious. and vegan. impressive, eh?

you'll neeeeeeeeeeeed

1/3c white sugar
1c hot water
1 package active yeast (or 2 and 1/4 teaspoons)
2tbl vegetable oil
1tsp salt
3c flour

take your warm water and gently dissolve the sugar into it by stirring slowly and softly-- you don't want to cool the water down too much. if you have a stand mixer, do this in your mixing bowl. once the sugar is dissolved, add the yeast and give it one quick, soft stir to make sure the yeast is mixed into the water. then let it sit.

you're looking for the mixture to get foamy, like this:

  

once that happens, you can turn on your mixer with a dough hook, whip out a hand beater with a dough hook, or grab your trusty spatula/wooden spoon! mix in your veggie oil and salt first, then your flour, a cup at a time.

people will tell you to add flour and mix until your dough is "elastic and sticky". what does that mean? i had no idea and was actually doing it wrong the first few times. whoops!

you want the dough to be moist. if you're adding so much flour that you can pick it up out of the bowl and none of it sticks to you, the bowl, or the counter you're kneading on, you've added too much flour. conversely, if you don't add enough flour, you will have a dough that is simultaneously falling apart and sticking to EVERYTHING. it is gross. you will cry.

so take your dough out to knead it on a lightly floured surface, with floured hands. add more flour or water as needed to make a dough that is firm, slightly elastic, still looks moist, is just a tad sticky, and feels like everything has been well mixed. after making this bread a few times, you will get a feel for what it should be in terms of texture.

the good news is that even if you do end up adding too much or little flour, the flavor won't necessarily be affected. you may end up with a super dense bread (which, again, isn't necessarily bad. it's like a bread shaped bagel) or a bread that doesn't rise very well... sooooo... flatbread that tastes a little watered down. nothing a little cheese on top can't fix!

ok, so your kneaded bread should look similar, but maybe not exactly like, this:

once it does, put it into a well oiled bowl. you can spray a glass or metal (though glass is preferable) bowl with cooking spray, or you can dump about 2 tablespoons of oil into the bottom and use a spatula to spread it out. you want the ENTIRE inside of the bowl covered with oil, and possibly the rim as well. cover it with a dish towel or plastic wrap, put it into a warm place.

warm place recommendations: on top of the refrigerator, a sunny part of your house (if it's warm in your house), on top of a running dryer (but if you do this, be SURE to cover the bowl tightly so that dust doesn't get into your dough. gross), into a warm oven (turn your oven on fur just a few minutes--if the door is too hot for you to touch, then the oven is too hot, let some hot air out for a minute or two), or on a stove next to a simmering pot of chicken stock:

 

you are waiting until your dough rises and at least doubles in size, which could take upward of an hour depending on how warm your warm spot is. check on it after about 20 minutes. if it's not puffing up at all, your definition of warm is wrong. go warmer :)

mine took about 40 minutes to nearly triple in size:

 

now, notice that it's still moist looking, and smooth. that's great. it's also going to be fluffy and airy. so punch it down, take it out, knead it a little, and put it into a WELL OILED/GREASED 9x5 bread pan. cover it again, put it back in your warm place, and let it go until the dough has risen over the edge of your bread pan. then put it into a 350 degree oven for about 25-30 minutes, until you get a nice golden brown color, like this:

you can let it get even darker if you like nice dark crust. i like all of my bread as soft as it can be, so i tend to JUST barely cook bread all the way through.

i also made a double batch of bread in this one and made some rolls to use for sandwiches in my husband's lunch. he loves them. 

go make some too!!! i want to see your brand of amish bread!!!!