Falsies

that's right, falsies. i'll come right out and say it. i'm not ashamed. i love the way they look and feel and i love the speed at which they can turn heads and bring focus to one very specific part of my body.

my eyes.

i am not what you might call "glamorous". i have the potential to be--i'm 6' tall with a textured buzz cut and basically no chest. i am a drag queen waiting to happen. except i'm a woman.

my aunt got married last night (BEAUTIFUL ceremony--possibly the most well thought out, classic, fun wedding i've been to), and with all of the yuck going on with my sister (see here), i was selfishly in need of a pick me up.

and then it dawned on me. a few months ago i bought fake eyelashes in an effort to surprise my husband. if you can't follow where that's going, you might want to stop reading my blog. if you can follow, don't bust out your "YOU GO GIRL" just yet. because i never wore them. i was too busy being un-glamorous to make it happen. that's the kind of wife i am. 

but i had a rockin glittery dress to wear (which, consequently turned my son into a gaga-esque drag queen because he was OBSESSED with the glitter, would grab it, try to eat it, and end up covered it in as the night progressed) and some pretty fabulous jewelry (which i had to remove as the night progressed because of baby gaga's equal obsession with it and my desire to keep the hole in my ear just that, and not a gash). so the eyelashes were whipped out. or peeled, whatever.

i got them from target for $4. 

they looked amazing.

i wore the most bland ones i had (i bought 3 pairs... don't judge). now, bland fake eyelashes don't really exist, but these didn't have glitter or feathers or varying height. they were straight across, just a bit longer than my real lashes.

but they made a world of difference!! and they were SUPER easy to apply!!! holy moly! my eyes looked sooooo much more dramatic! i found myself staring in mirrors all night and making plans to get up every morning so i could carefully decorate my peepers in preparation for the day's activities (which would include feeding my 8 month old son, playing with him, changing his poopy diapers, making more food, getting thrown up on, sweating while cleaning, and then passing out while drooling).

when it came time for the reception, i passed my sleepy son to my disinterested father and they went home so mama could PARTY!!! WOOOO!!!!

so i hit the dance floor! and immediately a slow song comes on. well EFF, my husband is 1000 miles away. and everyone here saw me with a kid, plus i'm wearing a GIANT wedding ring set, sooooo nobody is going to ask me to dance. i would have been better off as a drag queen.

the obvious decision if you can't dance is to hit the open bar (hello long line of pink margaritas!). 

bartender: "what can i get you?"

me: "something delicious that doesn't contain vodka"

INTERJECTION!!!!! if you are at a wedding and feeling fabulous in a short littler glittery number, donning falsies and overly excited about your first night out without a baby in 8 months, and you ask for something delicious, bartenders assume you are drunk off your ass.

bartender hands me drink

me: "what's in this??"

bartender: "rum" 

me: "ooou, i like rum! thanks!"

so i take a sip.

it is straight whiskey. STRA-RAAAAAAIGHT. JACK. DANIELS. whaaaaaaa!?!?!?!!?!? I CAN'T DRINK THIS!!! I'M NOT DRUNK ENOUGH!!!! the point of going to the bar was to work my way UP to straight jack daniels!!!! frick!

by now we're back to the real songs, and wouldn't ya know it, "bad romance" blasts through the speakers.

so i grab my cousin's lady friend and as we're going to the floor, i kid you not, 3 complete strangers tell me "oh, you could totally pull off gaga!!"

now, i'm a little thrown by this comment. i realize it's meant to be a compliment, or at least i assume so, because they were smiling.

but it could very well mean "lady, you'd make one fine drag queen! hell, for all we know, you ARE one fine drag queen!"

i decided it didn't matter. whether people thought i was a lunatic or friggin hot, their opinions would never be able to derail the awesomeness of our interpretive dance to journey's "don't stop believing", or the sheer mind-blowing glory of my aunt and i as we rocked out to "footloose".

buy fake eyelashes. they will change your life. at least for a night. when combined with liquor. and glitter.

also, if you think of it, please pray for my sister, brother in law, and their tiny baby. again, you can check out the story here