i will not tell you when, and i will delete any comments that give the day. i give out the date of my birth about as often as i give out my middle name. so, never.
in fact, i sent a text message to my best friend the night before the blessed event to see if she wanted to celebrate and she responded, "i think that's only the second time you've told me when your birthday is!"
this isn't some weird creeper ploy for attention or me just trying to create drama by keeping such an "important" thing about myself a mystery.
there are several reasons that i keep my entrance into the world under lock and key. 1) i don't really remember much about it, and i think it's unfair to milk gifts out of people for something i can't even verify details of.
just kidding.
but gifts come into play. i suck SUCK SUCK at gift giving. i don't remember to get them (on time or otherwise), i don't remember to ship them (everyone lives far away from me), and i practically go into spasms trying to pick something out for people because i'm always afraid they'll hate it.
because i do not send gifts, i would prefer that people not get me gifts. it raises my guilt quotient high enough to cause aneurysms. i am also bad at sending out thank yous, therefore i am the worst friend/family member on the face of the planet. i will not buy you gifts, i will not send you thank yous.
are you starting to understand a little more why you should NEVER write my birthday down? i don't deserve presents. not until i get my act together.
i am also severely hearing impaired. no lie. i can only hear out of one ear.
note: if i tell you this in person and you respond "what?" and think that you're so creative and hilarious for making a joke about being deaf when i tell you i'm deaf, i'm not laughing. at all. in fact, chances are my face will fall into a flatline and i will walk away from you. at the very least i will go off on a bitch rant about you to my husband later. i have heard this joke easily a thousand times. you are not creative. you are not funny. i am still deaf.
some people think "well, you still have one ear that works100%, so that's probably not that bad, right?".
right. except there's this problem. i can only hear conversations on one side of my body, so everyone has to be on that side. when i sit shotgun, i can't hear anyone. if i sit at the wrong end of a table at a restaurant, guess who won't be participating in convos? you know where sound comes from because it hits one ear slightly faster than the other. i don't have two ears to hear out of, therefore i don't know where sounds come from. i can't find my phone, calling it does me no good. my son falls down, i'm not sure where he is just by his crying. call my name in a crowd. i will spin in circles until you become visible. i have poor balance because i have no equilibrium. i walk toward the right when i try to walk straight no matter how badly i try to stop it. embarrassing. frustrating.
i cannot switch ears during a phone call. this brings me right back around to my birthday.
people call you lots and lots on your birthday. when you only have one ear, it gets hot fast. you also cannot hear your son and the over-stimulation to that one ear will literally exhaust you. i would much rather have a party where i can talk to people one-on-one (but nobody brings presents, just food). after too many phone calls, i get irritable and angry and i turn into the nofunonherbirthdaywhatajerkgirl. i don't want to be that girl.
text messaging has become the target of disapproval lately because it's "impersonal" and dangerous. the dangerous i can get on board with-- dumb people can make almost anything dangerous, and we got alotta dumb people in the world.
but for someone who can't handle talking on the phone (those of you who do call me will note that i rarely make the first call, and when i call back, i'm generally quick to get off the phone), text messaging is saving my life and giving me a chance to stay involved with friends and families without getting overwhelmed.
so, for those of you who figured out my birthday through facebook or from family, add my number to your phone. text me. i will love you forever, and i might just start giving out the date again.
until then, everyone will have to accept that i'm an old, deaf, senile woman, and it's only going to get worse with every one of these crazy things called "birthdays" that i celebrate every year.
i feel the need to mention, however, that i got the best birthday gift ever this year--i got to hold my brand new baby niece, a premie born measuring at 31 weeks.
No comments:
Post a Comment